Another week gone by

Another week gone by and my youngest is still in Iowa. Having fun, I hear. He calls home to talk to his brother about video games. I am proud that I have a boy that is so independent at age 9. He left on the train 2 and a half weeks ago to travel with 3 of my aunts, a cousin and her daughter. He was so eager to be able to go do things on his own. He really wanted this trip and all the things I could think to mention to him to make it less attractive did not deter him one bit. I secretly wish that I had been so adventuresome as a child, but I wasn't.
At times think that I am trying to make up for lost time, to live without regrets, I act on feelings. I am trying to act on faith. I must be doing something right because so much good comes my way.
This week I took apart a sweater. It was a nice yarn and a nice pattern, plus it would have been perfect for some cut pewter buttons I bought last year at the Beppa sale. But it was on tiny needles and had turned into a chore. I was worried that the cables would not show in such a dark material. So I unraveled the whole thing, and gently wetted the yarn to take out any kinks. I am beginning again, this time doubling the yarn, using size 7 needles but it will work up fast and I will have something nice later on. I have decided not to waste time with unfinished projects. Or to waste time puzzzling over why they aren't working and trying to make it right. They take up too much brain space. I have had many more adventures this week but have not slept, worked that nasty overnight shift last night, and I am having a hard time joining one sentence to the next. I am feeling blessed and prosperous, which I know is from the lack of sleep, but I would like to beleive is a reality. Well I need to hurry off to the Wooly Monkey. The owner is on vacation and I am helping out by working extra.

Saturday

What a lovely day here, cool and cloudy in the morning, and sunny now. I only have 4 more overnight shifts left to work. I went to bed as soon as I could this morning and slept as long as I could stand and my head feels fuzzy and I am having difficulty with fine motor control. I'm grinding my teeth.
What am I going to do once I no longer havemy tirerdness as an excuse for why I am sometimes forgetful or disorganized? I created a schedule for the fall and I have so many empty spaces. This of course means that I have much time to focus on revenue. I just have to fit it all together gracefully. I am very good at multitasking and there have been times in the last 18 months that I have been absolutely amazed. I would be puzzling over how I could pay this bill or afford something for the boys when some opportunity would drop into my lap and somehow I would squeek by. The problems came when I started equating every waking moment with money making moments and I felt worthless if I was "wasting my time" doing little things like taking time to visit with other mom's at the elementary school.
I don't know what I will do about the still life.... I thought I would knit it or felt it or hook it or something..... but it is due on the 28th... and look at it(simplestilllife'dot'blogspot'dot'com)you see what I mean?...then I remembered my birthday. I had the perfect day. One of our neighbor girls has grown up to be a very fine baker as well as a good Mom. I asked her to help me make a cake(I have a hard time focusing even doing things I like) She agreed but she was in desparate need for someone to watch her 3 year old for a couple of hours that afternoon. So I played downtown for a while in the morning, then played at my house with a very sweet little girl. My 9 year old and 14 year old took over and orchestrated a water fight while Stephanie made not one, but 2 cakes. Light, tasty cakes that were stacked with fresh fruit and whipped cream. To make a long explaination short - and to bring it back to the still life, one of the elements is a baby boot, that day was my babyboot. Life is always an adventure when you are with a 3 year old. The sense of wonder and play. The beginning command of the language. How cute they are when they finally fall asleep. I don't know how I will experience the other elements. I am off to try and I guess I will know when I get there.

resignation

I resigned my main job this week. I have mixed feelings but one of the things that I have been working towards is to make a living doing creative work. I will be going back to school in October and I want to be able to focus and immerse myself in the certificate program. I can do many things in order to pay the rent and buy food. Life is just too short not to enjoy what I do for a living.

Hurry hurry hurry

I always seem to be in such a hurry as it is - and what am I doing adding something time consuming in my life? Ever since that one Christmas I have tried to free myself - from what, I am not so sure at the moment. I didn't want the obligation of thinking about anything in more detail than the here and now. So much happens that I cannot for the life of me understand. I can get lost in all the permutations of if, how, when. Outcomes seem to be chance - why try to attatch cause to effect? So I worked at freeing myself from what was" holding me back", taking up rare brain space, wasting my valuable time. I made some very hard decisions in order to simplify and maybe gain some meaning. It is all so easy, it is all so strange. I set a few simple goals last fall, and then stopped trying to make them happen. My sister, who is very spiritual, tells me to have faith, she also said that God wants to give us what we wish for or something like that, but sometimes we have to take our foot off the brake pedal. Will this experiment help me capture the progression of a creative process? I have not looked at the still life that was the inspiration of this whole project in at least 2 weeks. I have given up the idea of creating a tangible representation and will create something more existential.... I think.

spam

This week I tried spam. Pan fried - not so bad. Grilled - I have had enough.