Hurry hurry hurry

I always seem to be in such a hurry as it is - and what am I doing adding something time consuming in my life? Ever since that one Christmas I have tried to free myself - from what, I am not so sure at the moment. I didn't want the obligation of thinking about anything in more detail than the here and now. So much happens that I cannot for the life of me understand. I can get lost in all the permutations of if, how, when. Outcomes seem to be chance - why try to attatch cause to effect? So I worked at freeing myself from what was" holding me back", taking up rare brain space, wasting my valuable time. I made some very hard decisions in order to simplify and maybe gain some meaning. It is all so easy, it is all so strange. I set a few simple goals last fall, and then stopped trying to make them happen. My sister, who is very spiritual, tells me to have faith, she also said that God wants to give us what we wish for or something like that, but sometimes we have to take our foot off the brake pedal. Will this experiment help me capture the progression of a creative process? I have not looked at the still life that was the inspiration of this whole project in at least 2 weeks. I have given up the idea of creating a tangible representation and will create something more existential.... I think.